Paleo Pause

Paleo Pause

Last week Max had a 24 hour tummy  bug and I stormed it like a champ. I actually even enjoyed some of it, he just wanted to cuddle and it brought me back to the baby days. Even though he asked me to not put this picture on Facebook, I’m keeping it here for the future. Sorry Max. Maybe you should have put your toys away more often.

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Now let me show you something else which falls in the category of, “Enjoy it now, you ain’t gettin’ that again for a long time, girl.” 

Carnitas. Beans and rice. So. Much. Cheese.

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Not too long after this Mexican date night I found out a lil somethin’ about my cholesterol. Sorry, I won’t go on with that lie. I didn’t date a new Mexican man. Same white as ever husband, he’s a good catch.  After that date, as I was saying, I discovered that since leaning Paleo (for the past three years), my good cholesterol has increased. 

And. Uh…

My bad cholesterol skyrocketed too. Like, er….50 points. 

And also, I have something called a pre-ulcer. 

For the next three months, until my follow up blood test, I am…I am…I am…a gluten-free vegan. A gluten-free vegan who can’t have coffee, tea, alcohol or spicy foods. I am so freakin’ serious right now. 

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So, in true vegan fashion, I expect everyone else to go vegan too. Go toss your honey and leather belts

Kidding! Don’t send me Anthrax!

One of my first culinary vegan adventures was trying to make something called, brace yo’ self…Mushroom Bacon. I’m just gonna come right out and tell you that those little slices of brown fungi tasted exactly like bacon. They tasted JUST like bacon would taste to someone who has been a vegan from birth and had no actual idea how good the real stuff tastes. Sure, it was kinda good, but if someone tried to tell me I was eating bacon and served me these mushrooms, I’d slap their pretty little stupid face and walk out the door. 

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I’m not even going to give you the recipe, because…just don’t. Instead, you can head over to Clean Food Crush to find this fun pasta-less pasta salad with zucchini noodles and artichoke hearts. Because hey, summer is only four months away and you know it takes you that long to actually try a new recipe. 

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Feeling guilty over creating a blog post with no actual recipe, I decided to offer you a Pinterest worthy image. I challenge you to put it on your Facebook page, make it your Twitter profile picture, share it like crazy. When people ask you what it means or tell you that they don’t get it, act bewildered. 

“You don’t get it? Read it again. Seriously, BE THE BENCH.”

Never let on to the fact that you too, have no clue what it means. 

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Now that I am totally in love with Zumba, I need to buy some special shoes. I mean “special” in all the ways you can take it, too. Zumba requires a dance shoe with the support of a fitness sneaker. Hence, this is what I get to choose from…

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Aren’t these just the stupidest things you can imagine? They look like shoes that were not taken off the conveyor belt during an earthquake in the factory. My knees hurt though and I can’t handle one more thing that reminds me I am inching towards 40. (In 2017)

Zumba is fantastic. There are just so many women in the classes I go to that just do not give the ass of a rat. Rhythm? Meh, who needs it? Coordination? None here! There’s an elderly woman who literally just stops and talks to another woman and checks her phone while the music blares. There are three women who love to grace the front row and dance until they come down from their cocaine highs. These women aren’t always in the same class at the same time. They are all well, WELL over fifty and will slap a ho if she were to try to interrupt their wild Zumba time. WOOOOO! 

Never tried Zumba? Wait until everone has left the house and give this a go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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