But Seriously, WHERE’S THE BEEF?

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On the bright side, I did find myself this treat at Costco…

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My husband got a kick out of all the labels on this box, he considered it Cocoa Krispies all the same.

Let me tell you a secret, I am a bit of a Vegan fraud. Not meaning I get to secretly enjoy a scoop of ice cream or bites of a burger, oh no, no, no. My animal bits are ingested without taste, they are in my supplements to cure my (almost)-ulcer. Wait until you see what is in some of this stuff! First, a bit of boring back story. If you scroll down, I won’t be offended, because I won’t know.

Only a few days into taking the prescribed Prilosec, I knew I wanted off. Not only did I feel crummy, but it was defeating any actions I had recently been taking to heal myself from a leaky gut. PPI’s like Prilosec, Prevacid and Zantac supress stomach acid, which would allow a forming ulcer to heal itself. The problem with supressing acid is that I haven’t been making nearly enough, for years. I know this because of an amazing digestive enzyme I had started taking and found immediate results with. It was obvious that I hadn’t been properly digesting food for the majority of my life. For the first time in my life (that I can remember), I wasn’t hungry after eating. Open heaven now, ’cause I can die happy.  Until my forming ulcer interrupted everything. Enzymes are shelved for now and here is what I am taking instead. 

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A mix of (brace yo’self): Okrah, bentonite (a type of clay), cow liver, pig stomach and pig brain. Mixed of course with some other healthy stuff. I’m pretty sure that makes me a Vegan liar. Vegans don’t eat brains.

The other supplement I take is a Chlorophyll mix, much less scary. This combo works, though, like seriously works. I have to actually remind myself that I need to eat carefully. While waiting for these to come in to my Chiropractor’s office over President’s Day weekend, I tried about $100 worth of other supplements from Whole Foods, with no luck. My stomach was pissed and if you are reading this in the UK, my stomach was angry, not drunk. 

On another food note, Indian food and I are having an emotional affair right now. We are forbidden to be together, but oh do I long for the day when we can reunite!

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Ready for another complainy girl story? I apologize, I really do. Gonna tell it anyway.

President’s Day weekend in California was beautiful, we had to get outside. After a trip to take the lamest 1 mile hike in the Bay Area, we ventured into Berkeley in search of ice cream.  Whadda ya know, there’s a creamery right next to Philz Coffee! 

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BUT, I CAN’T HAVE COFFEE. 

This is like telling Donald Trump he can’t have hairspray. Things will just get UGLY.

So, despite my best judgement and Google’s warnings, I headed in for a decaf version of my kryptonite, Iced Mint Mojito. I ordered extra sweet and creamy to cut back on the coffee, which also allowed for my 8 year old to take a sip. Now he thinks all coffee must taste like minty milk if you add a bit of sugar. I will move his college savings account over to a Starbucks savings account on Monday. 

But look how fun this little corner Philz is! So many students studying on a lovely Sunday, glued to their screens. I can’t help it, I love it. This would totally have been me in college too. Except, I didn’t go to UC Berkeley, despite our similarity in student loans. I also would never have sat in front of a computer on a Sunday. So, what the hell am I talking about? This wouldn’t have been me, I just like the idea.

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Trust me, I know how ridiculous this post is. When coming up with a title, I really wanted to write, “God, I Miss Jack!” Not knowing who would remember this movie or even understand what I was talking about, I opted for a different 80’s reference, ha!

Poor Audrey. I feel her pain, but I couldn’t care less about Jack, I want some ribs, girl!

With all those complaints out of my system, I can go on to tell you that I actually feel really, really good. I started taking some vitamins that have made my energy skyrocket. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I may stretch out the Vegan thing a while past my next blood results, it just feels really good. Barbecue season hasn’t started yet, so I still have a bit of confidence that I can stick with it. 

Do you have any gluten free, vegan recipes to share? Do you also have some diamonds you aren’t using? If the answer to either of those is yes, I’ll wait to hear from you. 

Paleo Pause

Last week Max had a 24 hour tummy  bug and I stormed it like a champ. I actually even enjoyed some of it, he just wanted to cuddle and it brought me back to the baby days. Even though he asked me to not put this picture on Facebook, I’m keeping it here for the future. Sorry Max. Maybe you should have put your toys away more often.

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Now let me show you something else which falls in the category of, “Enjoy it now, you ain’t gettin’ that again for a long time, girl.” 

Carnitas. Beans and rice. So. Much. Cheese.

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Not too long after this Mexican date night I found out a lil somethin’ about my cholesterol. Sorry, I won’t go on with that lie. I didn’t date a new Mexican man. Same white as ever husband, he’s a good catch.  After that date, as I was saying, I discovered that since leaning Paleo (for the past three years), my good cholesterol has increased. 

And. Uh…

My bad cholesterol skyrocketed too. Like, er….50 points. 

And also, I have something called a pre-ulcer. 

For the next three months, until my follow up blood test, I am…I am…I am…a gluten-free vegan. A gluten-free vegan who can’t have coffee, tea, alcohol or spicy foods. I am so freakin’ serious right now. 

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So, in true vegan fashion, I expect everyone else to go vegan too. Go toss your honey and leather belts

Kidding! Don’t send me Anthrax!

One of my first culinary vegan adventures was trying to make something called, brace yo’ self…Mushroom Bacon. I’m just gonna come right out and tell you that those little slices of brown fungi tasted exactly like bacon. They tasted JUST like bacon would taste to someone who has been a vegan from birth and had no actual idea how good the real stuff tastes. Sure, it was kinda good, but if someone tried to tell me I was eating bacon and served me these mushrooms, I’d slap their pretty little stupid face and walk out the door. 

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I’m not even going to give you the recipe, because…just don’t. Instead, you can head over to Clean Food Crush to find this fun pasta-less pasta salad with zucchini noodles and artichoke hearts. Because hey, summer is only four months away and you know it takes you that long to actually try a new recipe. 

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Feeling guilty over creating a blog post with no actual recipe, I decided to offer you a Pinterest worthy image. I challenge you to put it on your Facebook page, make it your Twitter profile picture, share it like crazy. When people ask you what it means or tell you that they don’t get it, act bewildered. 

“You don’t get it? Read it again. Seriously, BE THE BENCH.”

Never let on to the fact that you too, have no clue what it means. 

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Now that I am totally in love with Zumba, I need to buy some special shoes. I mean “special” in all the ways you can take it, too. Zumba requires a dance shoe with the support of a fitness sneaker. Hence, this is what I get to choose from…

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Aren’t these just the stupidest things you can imagine? They look like shoes that were not taken off the conveyor belt during an earthquake in the factory. My knees hurt though and I can’t handle one more thing that reminds me I am inching towards 40. (In 2017)

Zumba is fantastic. There are just so many women in the classes I go to that just do not give the ass of a rat. Rhythm? Meh, who needs it? Coordination? None here! There’s an elderly woman who literally just stops and talks to another woman and checks her phone while the music blares. There are three women who love to grace the front row and dance until they come down from their cocaine highs. These women aren’t always in the same class at the same time. They are all well, WELL over fifty and will slap a ho if she were to try to interrupt their wild Zumba time. WOOOOO! 

Never tried Zumba? Wait until everone has left the house and give this a go!